PNS335 And then there's me.
PNS 335 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Miss Beatrice Arthur -- Hello, all you marvelous people. It’s good to Bea here. See? I’ve still got it. And by “it” I mean vestigial penis. Ha! Now, let’s listen in to this wonderful show, shall we? Noah and Patrick are back in the stujoe, joined by David J, who’s soft in Pat’s cans. I’m a little soft in the cans myself, if you catch my drift. Thank you. Thank you so much. An adorable young person called Miley Cyrus comes by to promote her new motion picture, “A Journey Into Womanhood.” She sounds like a man. Then again, so do I. Do you know Miley’s real name? Leave it in the comments if you do. Mine is Bernice Frankel. I know – it sounds like a car backing up over a grocery cart. Be careful, Miley, my dear. Hollywood will chew you up and spit you out – straight into your own hit one-woman show on Broadway. And Elaine Stritch will still be right there to steal your Tony from under you. I should know! Get a copy of the first 300 episodes of PNS - it’s $50 through email@example.com at PayPal. If that’s too much, buy my CD “Bea Arthur on Broadway - Just Between Friends” instead. It’s horrible, but it’s only $16.98 on Amazon. Time to play Make It Dirty – the NPR Edition. I listen to “All Things Cuntsidered” and “As Shit Happens.” Have you seen those “Whatever” girls? I’ve got two words for you: verbal diarrhea. Speaking of shit, let me tell you something: space docking is delightful fun. In my day we called it an Alaskan Pipeline. Who wouldn’t want a frozen log of doo-doo in their hoo-ha? Brrrr! Kentie from The Flatus Show podcast calls to ask about gay faux pas. I went to a White Party once. It was a Republican convention. Ha! Thank you. Thank you so much. In her movies, Ashley Judd is always on the verge of being raped. She needs to lay off the roofies. I had to go see Estelle’s movies when we were making “The Golden Girls.” My god, people. I mean, I loved her, even if she was only a year older than me and she was playing my mother. But “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot”? I was dry retching for days. The Olympics might come to Chicago, so soon it will cost $5 a minute to park in the Loop. I’m huge in Chicago. Actually, I’m huge in my stockinged feet. Thank you. Thank you so much. The Conversation Hat is back! David J wants to know if something can make you gay. Yes, it can: watching seasons 1 through 6 of “Maude.” And then there’s me. A big shrillcast finish with “Big Spender.” Nope – aborted due to lack of cues. Oh, my. It’s up to Miley to top it off. Thank you, dear. I can’t tell you what a thrill it has been for me to be with you all tonight. Thank you so much. I love you all! Please, stop. Oh, you have.!